Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars by Kai Cheng Thom

Like Goldilocks, our challenge lies in finding what’s “just right.” We run into problems when we get stuck in a particular conflict “mode.”For example, always trying to please and appease by agreeing with and giving in to whatever the other person is saying, or always aggressively defending oneself without any regard for the other’s feelings. What does it mean to swim through conflict? I believe that the most important skill for interpersonal conflict is being able to balance apparently contradictory concepts and perspectives in one’s mind and body: Compassion for the other, compassion for ourselves staying open to change and taking accountability holding strong boundaries and protecting ourselves. “Like swimming, navigating conflict in its many forms is a skill that we can learn.”

“For many years, the deep wounds caused by slavery, genocide, racism and other historic atrocities have been minimized and denied, even in traditionally ‘progressive’ fields.”Īs a result of the pandemic and recent social uprisings, many systemic imperfections of those fields are being put under a microscope-often with good reason. For far too long, non-profits and traditional equity and diversity organizations have been both inadequate and complicit when it comes to racism and oppression.įor many years, the deep wounds caused by slavery, genocide, racism and other historic atrocities have been minimized and denied, even in traditionally “progressive” fields. Now, as the dominant culture starts to awaken to these collective traumas, conflict is erupting everywhere in both generative and destructive ways. This is perhaps especially true in organizations and communities that have a mission to do “good,” or social change work, because when they fail, the disappointment and betrayal felt by marginalized individuals is intense. Social media amplifies this pattern, creating an atmosphere in which our natural aversion to conflict is paired with our fear of “cancellation,” that is, public humiliation and social death.

Which is to say: It’s a challenging time in the non-profit and equity and diversity sectors. Without more details of what these calls for “accountability” are about, it’s difficult to comment on the conflict you describe. But I can speak to some of the dynamics I’m observing as a professional conflict resolution practitioner in my own queer and activist communities.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars by Kai Cheng Thom